My Beautiful Struggle – The Mental Side of Solo Hiking (part of) the JMT

Just before the sunset, after I had set up my camp and made my dinner, was when I struggled the most. When I hike solo I am alone with my thoughts. Maybe more than I’d like. I am not quite a person that thrives in prolonged solitude, as I deeply enjoy human interaction. I love meeting new people and spending time with family and friends alike. But I seem also drawn to outdoor adventures that leave me to my own devices. Solo hiking is one of them.

My self-talk when adventuring alone can devolve into a mix of constant mental re-planning, (how much to drink, when to eat, how far to go) and anxiety about the current challenge and the alternatives I gave up to be there (all the things I could/should be doing instead). These thought patterns cycle through my head when I’m alone and relatively undistracted.

But when I am moving, when I am hiking, I am confronted with just enough distractions to keep this ocean of thoughts at bay and manageable. The beautiful scenery passing slowly by, the unexpected sight of a rare forest creature or the constant focus of careful foot placements as I tackle steep grades interrupt my various concerns and help keep me somewhat mindful of the moment.

These distractions are gone at twilight. Sitting alone, even if strangers are camped nearby, I am left to focus more on my own internal thoughts and self talk. It’s a long wait till darkness and sleep comes. I don’t find that part of solo adventures very fun, at all.

And yet there I was, out trying to solo hike the JMT… again. My first few days I struggled a bit mentally with my mind’s juxtaposition of being very lonely and anxious, but also excited and delighted at all the beautiful things I was seeing and the wonderful people I was meeting along my short journey. I was having the best of times while also being unsure if it was “worth it”.

I think it is an adjustment for my mind to go from a world of endless distractions and interactions in my daily life, to an existence void of these common inputs when I’m alone and truly out there in nature. A lack of people, internet, TV, texting and general busyness left my brain feeling a bit “too free” and shocked my mind into quite the anxious state.

I found listening to audio books or favorite podcasts a great crutch to get through moments when the monkey mind was trying to take over. It is like “distraction light”: something that can productively occupy that part of my brain, while the rest focuses on hiking up a hard stretch or relaxing while the light changes and bats flutter over the water at dusk.

After the three day hike from Tuolumne Meadows to Red’s Meadow, I was able to call my family and share with them a bit about the mental struggles I was having; along with all the amazing things I had seen and done over the brief span I had been away.

Talking about these things out loud really helped me cope with the thousands of thoughts that had been churning in my mind. Those therapeutic chats, probably unbeknown to the people I was chatting with, helped reset my brain and allowed me to better sink into the rhythms of thru-hiking and the lower levels of mental input I was receiving on the trail.

The next 3 days I was in the groove. I was having more fun and enjoying the whole backpacking experience on a deeper level. I still had anxious thoughts and moments of loneliness, but I seemed better at recognizing these moments and adjusting my mental framework to to put them in a context that meshed with my current adventure instead of being at odds with it.

I spent less time with the earplugs in and more time just being in the moment or thinking about more relative or productive things. I found myself feeling much more enjoyment from content of the days as I hiked along.

Having never been on a backpacking trip (alone or otherwise) more than 3 nights, I have never before had the opportunity to struggle with these mental demons and found myself pushing through them to a point where I was able to experience my trip in a totally fresh light.

Sadly my enlighten state of backpacking did not last long as I experienced a halting ankle injury right before Lake Edison and VVR, 7 days into my trip. I stopped to rest a couple of days and try to recover to see if I could continue on. My ankle was coming along slowly when a family concern arose and lead me to immediately leave the trail to get back to my family.

One of my original anxieties I was mulling over early in my trip was of missing out on important personal relationship events while out on my adventures. As this became a real concern instead of a hypothetical anxiety, I felt no hesitation to alter my trip to be with those I cared most about. I was very glad not to miss out on an important moment and reflecting on it, I feel more enlightened on this general worry than I did before my trip.

I think the whole experience, the highs and lows of the last 2 weeks, have better prepared me to deal with my anxieties and loneliness as I embark on future solo adventures. I am also comfortable throwing in the earbuds and playing a bit of something to ease my mind if necessary without feeling judgement that I “should be” just pushing through and enjoying the solitude of nature. I need to enjoy my solitude and my solo hiking experience in my own way.

I will have the ability to test this new found fortitude (and my ankle) in short order as I am currently in route back to the Sierra Nevada Mountains to finish out the last 5 days of my original JMT plan, again solo hiking. (Skipping the middle 7-8 days of the hike.)

Hopefully my physical and mental struggles will subside and I can finish my goal while continuing to enjoy the heck out of this gorgeous trail!

I look forward to sharing my more light hearted experiences on the trail, along with some beautiful and silly pictures when I return! *update I did not make, but still had fun!

-Alan Evans